My Camas Upbringing.

I don’t know why exactly it is, but for some reason, I can only get inspiration to write when I am in Camas. As I was driving to the airport this morning with Afton’s mom and dad, I received this overwhelming feeling to just write. That hasn’t happened to me in over a year. And I miss that. I miss the ability to just write freely about anything and everything. But here it is. The inspiration. I guess you could say Camas is kind of like a muse to me.

This trip, more than any other, brought back a lot of memories. Things I had completely forgotten or blocked out. The drive to the Fullmer’s is a long one because they live out in the middle of no where. But riding out there brought back a rush of memories. Back when I was in love with my best friend, Austin McCormick. Oh, how much I loved him. And the two of us, we were like two peas in a pod, minus the fact that I had feelings for him that go far past friendship. He was there for me, and I was there for him. I remember New Years Eve and New Years exactly 3 years ago. He came over to my house to watch the ball drop. My family was absolutely crazy about him. It was one of the best New Years I can remember. We went snowboarding for my first time ever the next day. One of my best memories I have of him. We haven’t talked in a long time. And he’s on a mission now, but I miss him so much. I even had a dream about him the other night.

In high school, there were always a lot of cliques. Obvious statement, I know. There were the preps, jocks, the nerds, the scene kids, and of course, the hardcore kids. There’s not much of an Indie scene in high school as there is in college. In Provo, that’s really all there is. The zoobs, and the indie kids. But in high school, it was always the hardcore kids I spent my time with. My musical obsession started in high school as well as my photography infatuation. I didn’t think there was so much drama in those cliques until I came back to find it overwhelming. I miss being part of that crowd. But then, I don’t really miss the drama.

Last night, a big group of people met up at Red Robin. There was Tony, Afton, Stevie, Camille, Maria, Daniel, Skyler, Turner, Eric and Ryan. A big melting pot of random people. A lot of them didn’t even know anyone in the group. Ryan was one of those people. I’ve never really talked about this up until now, but Ryan Wolk is my ex boyfriend, er- I guess that’s what you can call him. We can’t really figure out if what we had was even considered a relationship, but just go with it. If you knew me in high school, I was always extremely fickle. Especially with boys. Take Zack Whittle for instance. I always liked him when he didn’t like me and he liked me when I didn’t like him. Coincidence? I think not. I took a French class my junior and senior year of high school. There I met Ryan. I was in love with Austin until the end of junior year, so Ryan was definitely an interest, but I focused most of my attention on Austin. And a little on Zack too. French class is by far one of my best accumulated memories that I have. I would trade just about anything to relive it. The French teacher, Mr. Minder, loved me up until Ryan left and then hated me as soon as he was gone. So I guess you could say it was more that he loved Ryan, and since Ryan liked me, Minder went with it.

Anyway, Ryan graduated, and we started talking more and more. He was off at college in Western Washington, but I started liking him a lot. He was my best friend in the entire world, as it started out to be. But I was too immature for it, and I couldn’t handle the commitment of a real relationship. Then he came home and we decided to test the waters. Over this time, Ryan fell in love with me. And up until now, I didn’t realize that the same reaction was happening to me. However, I freaked out being the normal hormonal high school junior [though really, my hormones messed me up a bit and sent me flying back to the freshman mindset. Long story.] and I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t talk to him for about 2 weeks and over that time, decided that I was serious about getting into a relationship with him. However, when I talked to him again, I found from one of my best friends, that my best friend, Amber and Ryan kissed while I was thinking things over. I admit, I should not have just completely shut him out, but my own best friends backstabbing me like that was a little painful too. For a time I wanted to have nothing to do with either of them. Then eventually I came around. To Ryan, anyway. Amber never actually apologized, and I haven’t really spoken to her since then. Ryan and I started talking again, and when he went back, we started dating again. It went off and on like so for about 2 months. Finally, I decided it couldn’t work. His Atheism and my Mormonism conflicted a bit. Along with me moving to Utah. A couple weeks after, he started dating a girl and I moved to Utah. That was the end of it.

We had a deep in depth conversation about it yesterday at Red Robin, and I finally realized that I was in love with him at the time. I was foolish to not realize what he would have given up for me. He cared about me more than anyone ever has. And I was an idiot to ever turn it down. I think it’s the only thing I’ve ever honestly regretted. But he’s my best friend, and that’s all I could ever ask for. I want more than anything for him to have what he deserves. And he does, and I think that’s all I could ever hope for. Other than for me to find what it is I am looking for. It really got me thinking and realizing that I could do so much better than what I’ve put up with. I’ve been wanted. I’ve been loved. But by two separate people. I need to put two and two together and realize that he’s out there. I just have to realize it and wait.

Washington holds so much of the love and inspiration that I feel. There are places there that I just feel it. Just driving through the little redneck town makes me feel at home. I miss that. Early this morning we drove past JDZ and Camas High School. I remember the feeling of waking up early to catch the bus. Walking through the wet grass toward the school building and running into people before school. Sitting in the library with friends or going to the lunch box for hot chocolate. Singing in the choir room before 1^st period. Or playing on the pole on the playground before class at the elementary school. Going to track practice after school in the springtime when the grass was still covered in dew. I remember it all so vividly. I remember late start days when my mom would take us to Squeeze and Grind for hazelnut hot chocolate and tuxedo muffins. This is where I grew up, this is what my years of growth consisted of. This is what made me the person I am now.

Utah is home for me now. But Washington will always hold a place in my heart. Not just the people, but the memories. It may sound cheesy or lame, but it’s real and this is how I actually feel. I am so blessed to have the experiences and the memories that I have. And I am grateful for the decisions that have led me to where I am now.