All we are, we are.

This past month has been one of the hardest months of my life. I'm trying so hard to get myself out of the rut I'm in, and nothing good is seeming to come of it. I'm extremely scared of the future and what's in store for me if I don't fix things.

I'm working an extremely part time job that gives me a maximum of 10 hours a week. Leaving me with a $50-100 paycheck. My rent is $345.00 and my cell phone bill averages about $100.00. It doesn't take a mathematician to see that I'm not exactly making end's meet. I'm scared to death, and honestly without the help of Brandon, I would be completely lost and more than likely, homeless. I've been trying non-stop to find a job. Applying to at least 10-20 jobs a day anywhere between Provo and Salt Lake. Nothing is happening, and I really have no idea what to do anymore. I plan on selling my brand new MacBook Pro, in hopes that it will hold me over until April. I'm not really sure what I'll do after that, but it seems to be the most viable option.

Anyway. As a nice little add-on, a series of unfortunate events led up to a very unfortunate loss. A few weeks ago, I sliced my big toenail almost in half, half way down the nail. I researched online for any quick fixes, and I found some suggestions to use super glue. I didn't really think about the necessity to sanitize, therefore sealing in all that yucky bacteria, and well, two weeks later I'm on the operating table in urgent care having my toenail removed. Needless to say, it was definitely one of the most unpleasant experiences I've ever been through. I've found that I don't really enjoy having two needles poked all the way through my toe through 4 different nerves, or the shot through the bottom of my toe...orrr the tiny little shots that went all over my toe thereafter.

In all honesty, having my toenail removed generally wouldn't discourage me very much, aside from having to wait 6 months - 1 year for my nail to completely heal. But I guess what's most discouraging is that it's holding me back from just getting myself out there and handing my resume out to any businesses that will accept it. I'm just SO discouraged. About life, about my future, about my finances. I want to just get married so badly and to just go back to school, and to sell my car for a more functional one. But all of that is at a complete standstill until I have a steady income, and it's all around just plain frustrating.

I don't mean to vent about how terrible life is, because in all reality, it's not terrible at all. Right now, my car is driving okay. Which is more than I could ask for. I have a family that supports me, and gives me hope. I have a best friend who is there for me whenever I need her, to change my yucky bandages and hold my hand through the toughest of situations, and last of all, I have a boyfriend who supports me and makes me feel like even at the darkest of times, there is hope for me, and there is hope in our future. I'm grateful for life, and I'm grateful for the trials I have, because I know that once I'm out of it, I will do everything in my power to not find myself in this position again.