Brutality.

I've decided to be completely and brutally honest about my feelings as of late. To start off, I need to say that this month has probably made me the most depressed I have ever been in my entire life. I've let my guard down way too many times and I've lost people I love. I've decided to address each matter separately.



First off, and the one on my mind the most, and that is dedicated to an anonymous person.

To begin, I need to just say it. I thought that I had fallen in love with you. It comes as a pattern for me, to fall in love with my best friends. But the truth is, the person I made you out to be is completely different to the one I thought I was falling for. Being so close to me led me to believe that you wanted something more, and then you completely crushed me. You used and violated me, and to be completely honest, I now only have feelings of resentment towards you. Words could probably never describe how much you hurt me. Because of you, I feel gross and guilty when I have absolutely no reason to feel that way. The only thing I have to say is thank you. Thank you for finally allowing me to see the real you, so that I didn't keep wasting such large amounts of time or emotions on you. I'm done with it. And I hope one day you will come to know what you put me through.

Secondly, As most everyone knows, all of my friends, mostly the ones connected through Brandon, are talking crap about me. It's crazy how many lies a person can make up about you. And I know for a fact that they are lies, because what else could they be? I haven't said or done anything worthy of spreading rumors about. Thus far, the only rumor I have heard, and I'm almost positive there are more where they come from, is that I'm obsessed with my ex-boyfriend and that's the only reason I've become friends with these people. Well, that's incredibly wrong. Why would I want a part in his life, if we're both trying to move on? The truth is, and many people have a hard time believing this, but I get to know people because I want to get to know the person. Because they seem cool, and I like having friends. So if you want to keep having the wrong idea, keep on believing that. But I've had my fill of words about it.

Thirdly, Afton just moved home yesterday. There are a lot of good and bad things about this. Afton and I fought off and on quite a bit. But we also got along perfectly most of the time. We did almost everything together in the beginning, and though we slowly started to fall apart towards the end, the memories we had with eachother will always be there. When Afton left I don't think I realized how much I was going to miss her. Walking into my room and seeing the other half empty was surreal and weird. I know I'll get used to it...but her leaving at a time I need her most...it's hard. But it's what God wants, so I'll turn to him instead.

Fourth of all, my car. My car absolutely hates me. And in the last month, it has overheated 3 times. First it just plain overheated, then the thermostat broke, so it overheated again. Then it overheated the last time because a bolt was missing where the thermostat connected to the tube. Awesome. Then yesterday, my alternator broke, so my car died in the middle of riverwoods as I was driving it. right in front of the roundabout. And my hazards were broken, so people were driving behind me wondering why I wasn't going through the roundabout. Anyways, I've talked to my dad about it, and I think I'm just going to get another car.

Lastly, there's my trip to Europe next year that I'm worried about. Just money-wise. Im worried that if I only have 45 in my bank right now, how am I going to save up 2500 for Europe next year? I'm so poor, and because of it, I'm so stressed.

Overall. I just needed to vent. I have a lot on my mind...as you can tell. Ha.